Part II: After All of the Years, Why Can’t A Man Get an Erection With His Wife?

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In Part One,  I shared my conversation with the four adults in the “Golden Years” of their marriage. The seniors surprised me, as their sexual complaints mirrored those that I would hear from married people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s as well. The difference is, when you are half their age, most people tend to think that you stop caring about sex in a relationship, one spouse (usually the man) just has to live with his wife’s lack of libido, or one or both spouses just go out and cheat on one another until one dies. Traditionally, people in that age category often married for life, so those three options were often the only choices on the table.

As promised, I would like to break down some other observations that I made in my conversations with the couples.

Women Rarely Think About Their Sexual Role In The Marriage

I think this is pretty universal at all age groups, but gets far worst in general when women are post menopausal. From the time women have sex and if they marry in their 20s, they are inexperienced in pleasing a man. Note, I’m not saying in sex, as they may have started racking up the body count pretty quickly by the time they say, “I DO!” No matter how you look at it, the center of their universe evolves around them, and how they are going to feel. So, even if a woman tries to initiate sex more often or tries the latest Vogue/Cosmopolitan/porn sex-tip, it’s still done for her, not you. Why? Because she’s trying to impress you, and show you that she is someone who will always satisfy you sexually in the bedroom if you marry her. It’s really no different than her cooking her best dishes for you early in the relationship. It’s bait (no fish pun intended), and she’s using it to lure you into a commitment.

Now once you marry her, as these guys did, you already know the story. Why do you know? Because men and women have been cracking jokes about it for decades, if not centuries. Once the ring goes on, the legs close up…except for “rewards” for good behavior, birthday and/or anniversaries. No wonder marriage is often synonymous with prison for men.

These ladies, and many women, never have to truly think about sex in their marriage because oftentimes, the husband’s sexual needs are shamed out of him. Statements like, “Is that all you think I’m good for?” and “Is that all you think about?” are shaming tactics used by women to now rebrand themselves. Some how, using bait to lure you is no longer necessary, they think you should just jump in the boat and feel happy to be caught by them. The late-great Patrice O’Neal had a skit using the fish and fisherman analogy.

However, it’s really the other way around. They should be happy to be “caught” by a man! Last time I checked, our biological clock does not have much of an expiration date, and most men aren’t worried about getting married and growing old alone. Additionally, the women I spoke with seemed to think that their husband’s sexual desire should just innately be for them, even if they do nothing to spark that desire. However, the women on the street that these men were noticing, who may be younger versions of the older women married to the men, still understood the bait they had and knew they could use it to attract at least the attention from an older man. It would be wise for them to understand that their husband’s needs and sexual desires, often sparked through the eye-gate, is nothing we just get tired of or outgrow. Yes, testosterone levels may fall as we age, but that certainly doesn’t mean we don’t want “our favorite girl” to at least still try to turn us on. Overall, women need to understand that men never see them the way they see themselves. However, I suspect that solipsism will just not allow this to ever happen.

Women Hate Pornography…

One reason (among others for sure), because it’s the only time a man has as many options as she does every day…sort of.

First let me say, I’m not going to get into the good, evil, sinful, helpful debate about pornography right now. I just want to focus on the one fact that I think everyone agrees with, secular men and religious men around the world are bombarded with pornography and often addicted to it. I noticed the older ladies had a particular disdain for pornography, and they are certainly not alone. Some sources say that 40 million Americans regularly view porn sites, with 1/3rd of porn viewers being women as well!

Quick side note: We need research also looking at the number of every day women who are porn providers through social media and I bet the numbers would be quite staggering. Of course, an overwhelming majority of those women would likely be at the younger, “pre-wall” stage of their life. Therefore, it would be interesting to see if a woman’s view changed about viewing/providing nudity as she became older.  

From the time a woman starts getting a budding figure, she realizes that her male options are nearly limitless, especially the more beautiful she is throughout her lifetime. Every man, especially those guys who date gorgeous women, know that at any time she can drop him (or not) and sleep with another lower or higher quality man with virtually no effort at all. That threat is something we as men just learn to live with and understand it is the cost of doing business. A man viewing pornography is the only time most woman knows that feeling of competition when she is with the average guy.

Just as men can consume themselves with the thought, “I wonder if she’s going to meet someone who is better than me financially?”, pornography haunts many women with a similar but different thought, “I wonder if he is going to SEE and LUST for someone better than me physically?” Of course, porn offers a smorgasbord of options targeted directly at the eyes of men (purposely I might add as it is easier to find quality porn on the web than a quality version of a sitcom created 20 years ago or the latest movie at the theater).

These older women had even more disdain, as they could not compete in the same stratosphere with the women today physically, so if their husband’s eyes “stray”, it is especially troubling. Add in religious teaching that equates viewing with adultery, and the hatred gets more fuel (of course I’ve never heard a preacher say Christian women lusting in their mind reading 50 Shades of Grey was adultery, but that’s another post for another day).

This takes us back to where we started, men who cannot get erections for their wives. Is it the pornography? Is it because their wives visually starve them? Is it their age? Is it the impact gravity as had on her looks? Personally, I see them all connected but distinct.

The overall lesson I learned from the “interviews” was that these women have a total disconnection with themselves sexually, and therefore, a disconnection with the very essence of these men’s lives. While this is nothing groundbreaking, it’s amazing how we all seem to know this mentally, we behave in a way that completely nullifies these truths in our marriage as we age. Any wife (or even husband for that matter) that chooses to be ignorant, runs the risk of having their spouse seek outlets for these desires elsewhere.

Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Ladies, that erection can be yours for the low-low price of a little effort like you put in back in the day. Gentlemen, remember the woman that’s blowing your mind in the early years isn’t the one you’re likely going to have in bed in 4-5 more decades, so vet as wisely as you can. Of course, if you’re not the kind of guy she wants to be desirable for, you may want to stick with the porn because they will never know how unattractive you really are through a screen…and you need to fix that one.

 

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