At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
– I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
I had heard about women filing for divorce more than men, but I’m a research guy and needed to at least find out where some of these stats were coming from that often get quoted, and why they are interpreted a certain way. An article in Psychology Today from a few years ago may be the reference point for many who quote the stat, even if they do not realize the fact. To make matters worse, this is likely read by your favorite marriage counselor that you’re going to see because your wife feels you need to open up more, she is unhappy, or it is her last ditch effort to blame-shift and say, “I’ve tried everything, now I love him but I’m not in love with him.”
How to explain? I find that these data are consistent with what I and others have seen clinically. When men and women seek couples therapy and then subsequently divorce; or, when either partner seeks individual therapy about a marriage conflict that ends in divorce, it’s often the woman who expresses more overt conflict and dissatisfaction about the state of the marriage.”
Whether the counseling is before or after she starts her online affair, or chasing that alpha that dumped her in her 20’s on Facebook or banging her coworker is for another blog post. However, know that her taking you in for marriage counseling is never done in a vacuum. It could be an exit sign for your next destination.
For those of you still not sure you want to swallow the Red Pill, I warn you as this is what the Red Pill goggles will do to you. Most read the article and access the findings the same way the author did and say that men need to do more to make their wives happy by doing more housework and taking on more child care. As a side note, I have seen research pointing out that a wife views her husband as less masculine and has sex with him LESS when he takes on more of the domestic chores! That will be a blog post for another day as well, but you know that old saying, “It went over like a fart in church?” Well, that is exactly how the room was when I pointed out the above to a room full of parents in a Sunday School class I was teaching. I do not think the wives liked me contradicting The Game they run on their husband’s backed by every woman’s magazine at the checkout counter. Overall, the Red Pill world calls this negotiating attraction…
AND YOU CAN NOT NEGOTIATE ATTRACTION.
Read that sentence again.
But back to this article, why not give this advice seeing that our gender roles are now the same right?
“Rosenfeld said his results support the feminist assertion that some women experience heterosexual marriage as oppressive or uncomfortable…Wives still take their husbands’ surnames, and are sometimes pressured to do so. Husbands still expect their wives to do the bulk of the housework and the bulk of the childcare. On the other hand, I think that non-marital relationships lack the historical baggage and expectations of marriage, which makes the non-marital relationships more flexible and therefore more adaptable to modern expectations, including women’s expectations for more gender equality.”
Again, so much to pick apart here, but I’ll just make a couple of brief points:
- If a woman doesn’t take your name, that should be a huge red flag of what is coming in your future. Therefore, at the very least (it is a deal breaker in my book but to each his own) those pre-nup papers should be on the table, no questions asked (they should be anyway but I know most won’t do it.) That same Independence that you want should stand if the marriage ends and you walk away with what you brought in…and that includes your name.
- Amazing that we only define housework in terms of dishes, cooking or cleaning of the house. Her nasty car usually is cleaned and maintained by the husband. I know of at least three men that would brag that they even fill her gas tank so she never had to pump gas. The house is usually maintained by the husband. The property is usually maintained by the husband. The household is financially usually maintained by the husband. I have heard so-called “Stay -At-Home-Moms” (SAHM) complain their husbands don’t chip in around the house enough, but the battle is on when I start auditing her time and asking what she does all day when he’s at work and the kids at school.
So this adds color to why wives file for divorce over 70% of the time. Overall, men are so bad and their wives get older and just can’t take their lazy ways any longer. Actually, a man has made this statement to me as well, and I knew he had bought in to the feminist worldview all the way.
Let me say that I have found some other reasons instead from my own observations. I am now old enough where I have known couples the majority of their lives and been at many of friends weddings. Here is my quick list and I will discuss more in future posts. In no particular order:
1.) “Time to Shoot the Mule” – I’ve heard the old folks in the South talk about shooting that old mule when he’s no longer useful. I have watched wives pop those divorce papers or at the very least, become seriously unhappy when her husband’s body is broken down from illness or lifestyle choices. He is no longer able to be a provider outside of fighting for social security, and when this happens, her respect, admiration and patience dwindles amazingly fast. You learn real quick how conditional a woman’s love is for her man. If this happens when she is still in her 30s or 40s, your days might be numbered because in her mind, she still has time to go out there and catch, and surely doesn’t need to be stuck with a broken down mule for another 30+years of her life.
2.) “Stella Got Her Groove Back” – That’s right gentlemen, if you can’t get hard from all of the blood pressure med, diabetes and can’t stroke because of your bad back or your heart will explode and she’s still moderately attractive, see ya! Let me really make this point to Black men, because as a collective, these conditions impact us for reasons behind this post. But believe me, in the Black community, our women get a huge pass (excuse the pun) for being “thick”, as they usually still have a very curvaceous body and Black men have been conditioned to not criticize a woman’s body and accept women 30+% body fat (don’t think media images matter huh?) When her Perceived Sexual Market Value (PSMV) is a few points higher than it really is, and lets be honest, there are enough thirsty fat-seeking men out there to flatter her ego, then it’s only a matter of time before you are pulled into marriage counseling as she puts the blinker on to exit at “Get Me Some Strange Blvd”. You will know the signs when she plans that Jamaica, Bahamas or Las Vegas trip with her girls.
But men bait and switch as well and that is not okay, especially for her. I’m going to drop some Game on fellas in another blog post, but to stay on the divorce point, if you are not the alpha man she thought you was in the early years, you got to go if she still has time to get out there and catch. She loved your Thug Life style back when you had on those Cross Colors, an oversized jersey and drove a ’79 Caprice with 12’s in the back that you never turned down when you should have. When you would be ready to throw down with any player that seemed to approach her in the club or when y’all were boo’d up walking at your local downtown festival (something that men should never do by the way). Back when you told everyone, including her momma and daddy, that you wanted her regardless of what they thought of you. You told her about all of the plans, businesses and money you were going to make so she could live happily ever after. Of course, those abs, big arms and your athleticism on the basketball court or football field had her proud to wear your gold chain as well.
But now look in the mirror. You haven’t touched a weight since you played ball, and you haven’t played ball in two decades because you jacked up your knee or back, and never went to the doctor and got physical therapy. You just said, “I’m too old for that now anyway baby, let’s go out to eat.” You can’t see your dillsnick because your gut provides plenty of shade and you come home mad because you hate your job. You know, the one that doesn’t pay much because you won’t take chances, improve your education and you are scared. Now she sees you as weak because now she has to go out here and work every day. Woman want to work by choice, not out of household necessity, that’s your job, something the article again ignored. You are not the guy she fought with her parents to see. Actually you are, she just didn’t want to see it at the time, but she feels you tricked her. Time for a divorce because the guy at work that she knows makes some good money, has travelled the world (you only travel to the local family reunion right?) and dresses like Ghost on Power is in her ear.
To conclude, I now understand. I get it and I don’t like it, but the research must be true. Women get unhappy and file far more than men. Notice that non-married women don’t do the same. I suspect it’s not because of gender role expectations, it is because her hamster is spinning trying to get that ring and her hypergamous needs appear to have been fulfilled at the time by you. If she’s pushing or beyond 30, she’s trying to be the goose that lays the golden egg locking in your (or the government’s) guaranteed cash and prizes as well.
Tell next time, Y’all be easy…I’m outta here…Ghost.
Midlife Manhood 