Recently I had the opportunity to play a sort of researcher doing qualitative research. I’ll explain in story form and change the names of the innocent to protect their privacy as they opened up in ways I never imagined. Some of you newlyweds may not like what you are about to read, but I would bet the views expressed by these people were not unique.
First, I sat down with Greg and Roy and both men are nearly 70 years of age. Between the two of them, they have battled prostate cancer, back injuries and move quite slow, but both are in otherwise good health and still get out to play golf frequently. In their age category, most women would definitely find them attractive and Roy in particular, is a complete “manly-man” or “alpha” male. Over the last 20 years, he has actually been in a couple of fights where some young guys thought they would win and it didn’t fair well for the new jacks.
During our “interview”, as I learned to ask many questions and soak up the good Game they were more than willing to share, both men spoke of having the desire to have an active sex life, whatever “active” means to them. However, both spoke of the difficulty they have with their wives being sexual with them. Greg’s wife takes regular showers with him so she has no problem being naked in front of him, but Roy’s wife rarely lets him see her naked. Mind you, between the two of them, they have nearly 20 children and have been married over a century! Both men spoke about having women eagerly talk about sex with them at work, telling them about what their husband’s aren’t doing and what they like in the bedroom, yet they claim to have not strayed in their respective marriages. I am pretty confident that while they were quite open, they would not have shared that information with me if they did stray.
Perhaps the thesis statement of the day was delivered by Roy. He proclaimed with a bewildered sound in his voice, “When these women are talking to me about sex, sometimes my dick gets hard, but it doesn’t get hard that way for my wife!” Greg laughed and nodded in agreement, though he said it wasn’t quite that bad for him, but his wife just cannot keep up with his sex drive. Roy basically had more than a few struggles with his sex life, as he spoke of his wife just not being open sexually. After all of these years and after battling prostate cancer, it is still important to him that he gets an erection and is able to have sex because he honestly wonders if the sexual part of his life is soon coming to an end. At times, he does not want it too much compared to his younger days. However, when he does, he does, and it is getting more difficult for him to desire sex with his wife because she does nothing to turn him on. He indicated that pornography is beginning to be a part of his life when it was not in the past.
Shortly after that conversation I went and “interviewed” Diane and her sister, Maggy. Diane is married to Roy, but Maggie is not married to Greg. Overall, Maggy did not really share much herself, but she nodded in constant agreement with everything uttered by her sister Diane and she has been married over 50 years as well.
Understand that Diane did not know what her husband had said to me (and he was not present at during my conversation with her) which is why this “research” is so fascinating as I was able to seek answers or at least the other side of what Roy had shared with me. Over the course of our discussion, Diane spoke of her battles with her weight over the years. When I inquired as to what she has done about her size and health (for her age I would categorize her as a little larger than normal but certainly not obese and she struggles with diabetes), she spoke of little action and lots of excuses. That is not my interpretation, but hers, as she expressed just not feeling like exercising or eating a more healthy diet.
That said, the inner C.T. Fletcher in me kept saying, “If I only went to the gym when I felt like it, there will be a lot of days I don’t hit the gym and wouldn’t look the way I look.”
While not nearly as open about sex as Roy was for obvious reasons, she did speak on not being comfortable with her body or always feeling sexual as a woman. Both her and Maggy both got rather riled up when Maggy brought up her husband’s pornography usage. I asked them both how men should respond to this need to see a naked woman and be sexual, when wives, such as themselves, are embarrassed about their body? I asked, “Do you think it is possible for the man to shut off this desire and if so, are you able to shut off your desire to be protected and secure?” Both women looked as baffled with that question as Roy did on why his dick can get hard for others and not his wife. It was a question they never seemed to ever have entertained.
In terms of providing, Diane said that there is none better than Roy as he worked for many years and she never needed to have full-time job. Roy, even as he enters his 70th decade of life, can still even physically fight to protect her and if necessary, knows more than enough about weapons if the threat escalates. Overall, it seemed that Roy still does many of the basic things that turns Diane on ever after all of the years of marriage, a job and children, but Diane seemed to have “reasons” for why she does not need to be the same woman that attracted Roy in those early years.
Based on conversations I’ve had with many couples both together and separately over the years and from what I’ve read on various messageboards, their stories are not unique. For me, it was fascinating to hear that these issues that I see with younger couples, still aren’t being resolved with couples living in the “Golden Years”. In Part II, I will look at why I think these women have never thought about their sexual role in the marriage, why they seem to have a disdain for pornography, and why Roy cannot get an erection for the woman he loves, but for the woman on the street.
To be continued…